trdd

Below are excerpts from several chapters of

"The Real Donnie Darko"

which attest to the journey I've taken

in order to lay claim to that title.

"BRINGING OUT THE BEAST"

Below is a reprint of one of the notes from

"Donnie Darko - The Director’s Cut,"

concerning the Manipulated Living.

"Chapter Seven: The Manipulated Living

The Manipulated Living are often the close friends of the Living Receiver.

They are prone to irrational, bizarre, and often violent behavior."

          In the summer of 2002 I was contacted on the internet by a six foot tall German/American skin head named Elrick who saw my pic’s on my web site. His body was covered in magnificent full color erotic tattoos. I was mesmerized the moment I laid my eyes on them as they covered his entire back his inner thighs his crotch and his penis. I sat in awe of this human canvas who underwent years of pain and tens of thousands of needle pricks. Elrick either had far more courage than I did, or he was crazier than I was. Either way I just HAD to do everything in my power to find out. In the spring of 2003 I went to Michigan to help Elrick pack up his belongings and he and his dog Lovebug moved into my house. Unbeknownst to me at the time, we would create both a WONDROUS, FANTASTIC DREAM and an UNIMAGINABLY HORRIFIC NIGHTMARE!

          Soon after Elrick settled in I discussed "Tiny Little Virus - HIV, Death, Resurrection and the Second Coming" with him and I explained the BEAST (Frank) and the GOD (traveling in God’s channel). He was in total disbelief that orgasm reduces ones sentient aspects and ones propensity for "FEELING" love. He got angry when I said that and wanted to know how to access and "FEEL" the power of his BEAST (Frank) in order to make himself more in control of his life. He wanted to know how to "FEEL" the DOMINANT and ASSERTIVE energy that flowed through my body. In spite of his physical size, his intimidating look and his tattoos, Elrick was very socially and sexually passive and wanted to become more dominant in those areas. According to Elrick, he had a secret person inside of him that wanted to be DOMINANT, AGGRESSIVE and in CONTROL. He was, in "reality" a boy desperately struggling to become a MAN. The reason that Elrick contacted me on my web site was for me to MAKE him that MAN! It was a very valid journey he wanted to take with me so I was all for it. Elrick was tens of thousands of dollars in debt, unorganized as the day is long, and CHAOS and MADNESS ruled his world. I believed I could help him to focus in and gain control over his very messy life so I proceeded with unabashed spirit. In spite of his short comings I was hell bent on loving him as unconditionally as I possibly could. That was the goal anyway, a goal that I CHOOSE to believe and "FEEL" in an attempt to help repay my karmic debt to Jim (Gretchen). Never again was I going to be the selfish one in the relationship. From now on I was going to love the people in my life as unconditionally as I could and never permit my selfish BEAST (Frank) to dominate, control and destroy someone else again.

          I tried to explain to Elrick that if he wanted to gain control of his life then I would have to teach him how to "FEEL" his GOD (traveling in God‘s channel) as well as his BEAST (Frank). Elrick was more interested in "FEELING" his BEAST (Frank) so I told him that I would make him "FEEL" it. He incorrectly assumed that it was the powers of his BEAST (Frank) that he WANTED and DESIRED when, in "reality," it was the powers of his GOD (traveling in God’s channel) that he NEEDED. At first I tried to intellectually explain the BEAST (Frank) to him and HOW he SHOULD be BEHAVING. Words only go so far at conveying an idea or "FEELING." He wasn’t understanding nor "FEELING" what I was saying as our talking and our words were non physical. Because of the lack of physical contact my words seemed hollow and empty. Since intellectualizing the BEAST (Frank) wasn’t working, I knew I had to become more physical with him. I didn’t know where this was going to lead us but I knew I had to be gentle with him. He was bigger in stature than I was and crazier than I was. I would never have let someone poke me with a needle ten times let alone tens of thousands of times. I was TRULY IMPRESSED by what I perceived to be Elrick’s courage!

          Since Elrick decided to be my human test subject I wanted to make sure that I chronicled and recorded his emerging BEAST (Frank) in all its glory. I brought three digital video cameras, a new computer and editing software and learned how to transfer, edit, add sound, lettering and produce finished video’s. I set up the video camera in order to record the entire process so that we could both watch it at a later date. I was hoping to capture his reaction to "FEELING" his BEAST (Frank) take control of his behavior. I found that in order to have his BEAST (Frank) come out I needed to provoke IT to behave in a physical fashion - just like the BEAST (Frank) did to Donnie Darko. I decided to have Elrick and I literally reverse roles - he was to become the dominant and in control man that I was and I was to become the out of control submissive that he was. I realized that if I was going to enlighten him then I would have to become his victim. Elrick was raped when he was six years old and never resolved the post traumatic stress disorder of that rape. In order to gain back his control from his rapist he believed that he NEEDED the strength and courage of his BEAST (Frank) to do so. By becoming his victim I consciously set out to provoke and empower him into "FEELING" more dominant and in control. My intent was to help him. I had no idea of the floodgates of evil that I was opening but whatever happened it would all be caught on videotape.

          At first Elrick was hesitant to respond to me but eventually he began to open up and let his BEAST (Frank) out. He did this by doing whatever he needed to do in order to get into his BEAST’S (Frank’s) headspace and to "FEEL" its dominance, aggression and control. Then an amazing thing happened as Elrick began to frighten himself by stopping in mid behavior, jumping out of bed and running out of the room because his BEAST (Frank) frightened him so much. Many times he’d jump out of bed and run out of the house naked and screaming swatting his arms in the air trying to escape his BEAST (Frank). I would run after him and tell him that it was all right. He cried, begged and pleaded with me to stop and I said "no." He was my test subject and I was doing research so I had to say "no." Besides I was having too much fun running after him as he tried to escape his BEAST (Frank). I’d be laughing to myself while jockeying the video camera for the best possible angle. Comedy aside, from a research and scientific perspective it was incredibly fascinating to videotape the possession of Elrick by his emerging BEAST (Frank). After several months Elrick lost all his FEAR and began to willingly embrace his BEAST (Frank). The dominance and control that he "FELT" was its own drug with its own high which he quickly became addicted to. What Elrick was trying to do was to reclaim the dominance, assertiveness and control that his rapist took away from him when he was six years old. Elrick was first reluctant to "play" with this new found power but he grew to lust it. Not once did I realize the destructive consequences of what I was doing nor did I think of stopping.

"The Years of Hell!"

          Elrick is German and had fantasies as a teenager about being a Nazi skin head and torturing people. That secret, repressed fantasy person was now given Carte Blanche by his BEAST (Frank) to come out of hiding and manifest as "reality" and it did so with a vengeance! Because of our "experiment" Elrick became the dominant, aggressive MAN that he NEEDED to be and I became nothing as I lost control of myself and of my GOD to both of our BEAST'S (Frank's). As Elrick and his BEAST (Frank) became stronger, me and my INNER GOD (traveling in God’s channel) became weaker. I became him as the raped victim and he became my rapist who victimized me. I was under his "spell" and I lost all control of my "reality" to him.

          My intent was to bring Elrick into my world - the world where I danced with "The Universal Natural Phenomenon of GOD" and (travelled in God’s channel). I thought I could be successful with him at first but when he wanted to "FEEL" the power of his BEAST (Frank) I feared I might lose him to the "dark side." Following this realization, I understand, and appreciate the "Star Wars" saga so much more because I understand the relevancy of the films and HOW FEAR can DESTROY the most enlightened of souls. The battle between our BEAST and our GOD is the same as that between Darth Vader and Obi Wan Kenobi. Since Elrick could not come into my GLORIOUS HEAVEN I had no choice BUT to go into his UNIMAGINABLE HELL. This was payback for destroying Jim’s (Gretchen’s) life and I KNEW it. Like any soldier going into battle, I humbly accepted the outcome. I was totally defeated at that point and was as devoted to, and possessed by BOTH Elrick's and my BEAST'S (Frank's) madness as I was ever going to be. I’d become Dr. Frankenstein and I’d just created a most horrific monster! Even though I didn't understand WHY I HAD to FOLLOW Elrick I KNEW it was the DEATH of ME! You wouldn't be reading this now if I hadn’t followed him and because you ARE reading this NOW is WHY I HAD to FOLLOW him! Mind Fuck Huh? No matter how crazy and fucked up it was or how crazy and fucked up it was going to get - I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO FOLLOW ELRICK. That is called FAITH and is what I mean when I say "Its KNOWING without even KNOWING why one KNOWS! None of this would have happened had I NOT followed ELRICK and his (BEAST) (Frank)!

          It had been two years of incessant abuse, uninhibited deviant sex, delusional drugs, unrelenting disdain, violence, madness and overwhelming FEAR. FEAR is the hallmark of our BEAST (Frank) and I’d, once again, become paralyzed by FEAR. I feared for my life as I believed Elrick would kill me in one of his BEASTLY drug induced rages. Life was so bad and the abuse so unwavering that it destroyed the life that was within me. Elrick and I were both battling our addictions and the memories of my own childhood abuse, which I'd successfully repressed for 37 years, haunted and consumed me. I was a victim in every sense of the word as I'd literally BECOME Elrick. I’d bought the house in 2002 and wanted to create it as our own little sanctuary. Because I could no longer "FEEL" those dreams they never materialized in the physical world as physical "reality." Now endless projects lay uncompleted and the dreams that I once "FELT" became a depressing and unbearable nightmare. The weeds grew high, the pool was dirty, the paint peeled off the house and my dreams died because I no longer "FELT" them as the ANXIETY, INSECURITY and FEAR of my BEAST (Frank) were out of control. I’d created a monster alright - a monster that enslaved me. Now I realized that this was my karmic debt to Jim (Gretchen) for destroying HIS (HER) life! No one gets away with hurting someone else - Karma guarantees it!

          At this point Elrick and I had a bonified love/hate relationship as he’d abused me for years and destroyed the joy that was in my soul. He used to call me "Sunshine Bunny" because I was always very happy, playful and loving. His BEAST (Frank) destroyed "Sunshine Bunny," ripped me off my thrown, tore off my wings, threw me to the floor, spit and pissed all over me and made me nothing. Elrick pulled me from that place that is "The Universal Natural Phenomenon of GOD" or "traveling in God’s channel" and threw me into the pit of HELL itself! I never realized that life could become so GREY - or is it GRAY - it wasn’t either - as I wrote about in "Tiny Little Virus," it was DEATH and HELL! I could never have imagined, and would never have guessed, that LIFE could become so UNWANTING! I, once again, woke up DEAD and in HELL and that IS the same conclusion that Donnie Darko comes to when he’s sitting on the hood of the car watching the jet engine fall AND REALIZING THAT HE REALLY SCREWED EVERYTHING UP.

          In the autumn of 2004 Elrick received news from his doctor that he’d contracted Hepatitis C. He came to me and told me the bad news and we both hugged each other and cried. His main concern was to get me tested to make sure that I didn’t have the disease as well. Fortunately I did not. Elrick probably got it from the needles used to make his tattoos or from slamming meth. There is a treatment for Hep C called Pegasus which is an interferon medication which causes all sorts of negative side effects including increased thoughts of suicide. Elrick had suicidal bouts in the past so I knew I had to watch him. In spite of the HELL that Elrick dumped me in, and which I CHOSE to accept, I still loved him and had to be there for him now that he’d been dealt an almost certain death sentence. HIV or Hep C alone is bad but when you have both the odds are against you. I also HAD to empathize with Elrick because I was now in "his world" and in his personal "HELL" as they were now my own!

          By mid summer 2005 I’d had enough. I quit taking my HIV meds and I made a conscious decision that I wanted to die. My viral load had spiraled out of control and my T cells vanished into thin air as my WANT and DESIRE to live faded. I resolved myself to die as I saw no REASON to live. As LITERALLY my own GOD, I knew that if I quit taking my meds I would die. I was literally "PLAYING GOD" and was in full control of whether I lived or whether I died. All I had to do was quit taking my meds and sooner rather than later I'd be dead. It was a given - a total win! The despair, depression, helplessness and hopelessness were so great that I was always crying. Elrick brought Lovebug over one day and asked me to watch him. When Elrick left I lied back on the floor and resumed my position of defeat. I’d never "FELT" this low in my life and simply had no DESIRE to continue living. My world had become so narrow as all I "FELT" and SAW was my own

INDIFFERENCE STARING BACK AT ME!

          As I lay on the floor with my face covered in tears, snots and droll, Lovebug came over and licked it off. As he did so I realized that this dog, that I never wanted in my life in the first place, was showing me and making me "FEEL," more LOVE than Elrick was. Lovebug was lifting my spirit by loving me when the human who was supposed to love me CHOSE not to because he CHOSE to be dominated and controlled by his BEAST (Frank). As I laid there on the floor, a hopeless, helpless mess, I realized that Lovebug had just SAVED MY LIFE and in that epiphany sprung a new desire TO live.

          Throughout the rest of 2005 my body, mind and soul slowly recovered. In September 2005, Elrick brought over the DVD "Donnie Darko - The Director‘s Cut." Once I saw the film I immediately knew that it was based upon my BEAST in "Tiny Little Virus." Seven years had passed since I completed and copyrighted "Tiny Little Virus" in 1998 and since it was provocative on many levels I KNEW that someone would find it of interest. I could never have imagined that it would be the genesis for a film called "Donnie Darko" where I was the main character and several other characters in the film. I was absolutely delighted when I saw the film and was humbled beyond belief, so much so that when it was over I knelt on the floor and wept like a child. I now had a REASON to LIVE!

          Shortly after viewing "Donnie Darko - The Directors Cut," I went into my own reclusive world and researched, read reviews, obtained interviews and learned as much as I could about the film and everyone involved in its creation. I discovered in the process that Richard Kelly was creating a second film called "SouthLand Tales" with "CHAOS" as the main theme. After researching this second film I KNEW Richard Kelly also used "Tiny Little Virus" as the genesis for "SouthLand Tales."

          When I finally pulled my head out of my "Donnie Darko" ass seven months later in April 2006, I realized, much to my shock, that Elrick was escorting, dealing and slamming meth on a regular basis. While escorting, Elrick became acquainted with a "client" who lived in one of Fort Lauderdale’s most prestigious condominium towers and in one of Fort Lauderdale’s most desirable neighborhoods, replete with doorman, valet and wonderful views of "The Venice of America." This "client," who I referred to as "drug daddy" would host sex "slam parties" where the guests would shoot meth and screw each others brains out all weekend long. Because of his incredible tattoos, his huge endowment and the way he used it, Elrick was the life of the party. Of course he got paid with all the meth he wanted as the "guest of honor." His role was to show the guys a good time so they bought meth from "drug daddy" who was just using all of them. First they gave it away then it was all about making the money. Lure them in, get them high, fuck them then make the deal!

          Elrick lied to me and said that meth wasn’t a problem when he was living for the high. Those of you who’ve been in my shoes know exactly what I’m talking about. They’ll lie to your face and tell you that the room’s not on fire when the smoke is EVERYWHERE! The deceit of the drug is most insidious as it lied to him and told him he was in CONTROL, that he had COURAGE and that he was FEARLESS. In "reality" Elrick lost all control of himself to his obsessive, addictive, cowardly BEAST (Frank). He and I made a pact with each other that we would always maintain our "inner child." We did this by intertwining our pinky fingers and promising one another that we’d always be there for each other and that we’d never lose our playfulness. Gone was the one who I held onto with my pinky finger as we swore allegiance to our innocence and our GOODNESS! Meth turned Elrick into a COLD, EMPTY, LONELY and FREIGHTENED shell of a BEAST (Frank)

"My Own Tangent Universe."

          I was seeing my therapist and we discussed "Tiny Little Virus," the "Donnie Darko" affair and Elrick. I was trying to merge all three disparate "realities" into one as they were in such intense contrast with each other that I needed help in sorting them out. I was living both Heaven with "Donnie Darko," and Hell with Elrick at the same time. My desire was to merge my extremely conflicting "realities" in a way that created as much harmony and as little stress as possible. The e mail below illustrates my attempts to have both Elrick and my therapist hold a joint session with him and his therapist so that we could prevent a future catastrophe that I could intuitively "FEEL" but could not quantify. This IS the "FEELING" of FEAR!

Date: July 30, 2006 7:44

"I would like to arrange a meeting with our therapists and the two of us together. I want your therapist to explain what role your rape and mental illness had in our relationship so that I can understand from her point of view. If I can’t go in under your coverage I will pay for the visits myself. I think this would be very helpful - for the both of us."

          At this point Elrick’s BEAST (Frank) is totally out of control and I'm in real fear of my life to where I’m pleading with him to meet with his therapist. My efforts were to no avail as Elrick was far too much in denial.

          In early August 2006 a tropical storm was blowing in and Elrick called to say that he would help me put up the hurricane shutters. I agreed to have him stop by to help me but later I changed my mind. He called me and when I told him I didn’t want him coming over he went crazy. He was at "drug daddy’s" and screamed into the phone that he was coming over. The next day I sent him the following e mail to explain my actions.

Date: August 7, 2007

"Hi Elrick; here’s an explanation of what happened and why. I know that we agreed to get together and put up the shutters. I also know that the last time we had a hurricane - Wilma - is when you came into my house in a fit of rage and for no apparent reason threw me to the kitchen floor then stormed out of the house slamming the door behind you. The force of you throwing me to the floor crushed the lower three discs in my back, caused a tear in one of them and "severe bilateral neural encroachment" in the lowest one.

When I saw my doctor yesterday she told me that my condition will only get worse. The pain, headaches, and vomiting will become more frequent because the "severe bilateral neural encroachment" is nerve damage. When you asked me yesterday why I didn’t follow through with the plans to put up the shutters you didn't accept my explanation. You asked "What does that have to do with why I didn’t follow the plans?" If you’d listened, heard and tried to empathize with what I said you might have given yourself a clue as to WHY I changed the plans. I was afraid that - like Wilma - you’d freak out and get violent and I’d be in danger again. I decided to not take that chance by ever letting it happen in the first place. It was a decision made in the best interest of my safety.

Of course you came over and didn’t hear what I was saying, didn’t accept my reason for changing the plans and flew into one of your rages anyway. That’s why I grabbed the knife in order to defend myself. You really need to deal with the violent one - you really do. I was hoping to understand and help with your therapist but that’s not going to happen. You’re in too much denial.

The neurological nerve damage will increase as time goes by. I have pain from head to toe now and I’ll never be able to work out again. I put in every one of those 6 foot by 8 foot fence panels around the perimeter of my property with my own two hands. Now I can’t even lift a gallon of milk without pain. What have I done? I know you don’t remember throwing me to the floor and you refuse to accept responsibility for what you did let alone apologize or show me any remorse. I’ve tried to understand how your PTSD makes you violent and prone to fits of rage and would have appreciated some insight with your therapist in understanding but clearly that is not going to happen. At this point I'm just looking to prevent myself from any further harm from you. I suffer every day from the madness and my suffering is only going to get worse. I’m not angry - I’m just very, very sad that my sunshine world has been turned into such a dark nightmare."

          Since Elrick would not set up a meeting with his therapist there would be no understanding or closure for me. Elrick and I agreed as part of our amicable separation that we would meet on Monday evening’s so that I could visit with Lovebug. The reason was because Dairy Queen offered free ice cream for dogs on Mondays. Mondays was also the day after "drug daddie’s" weekend slam "parties" and Elrick was usually still high. He was always angry at me because I reminded him of his "less fabulous" life. I couldn’t compete with the endless supply of meth, the door man, the valet and the world traveling. My life wasn’t standing high on a balcony, meth coursing through my veins, sporting a raging hard on and fucking a piece of ass while overlooking "The Venice of America." I reminded Elrick of his ordinary, normal, and UNHAPPY life. I reminded him of the bills that were due and the fact that he didn’t have the money to pay those bills. I reminded him of the un fabulous world, of the BULLSHIT and the ANXIETY, INSECURITY and FEAR that plagued his world. Since I represented all that he resented and hated, he resented and hated me. In spite of that and because he brought me the gift of "Donnie Darko" I HAD to LOVE him!

          On Monday September 11, 2006, I went to Elrick’s apartment for what I believed was going to be ice cream with Lovebug. When I arrived and opened up his door he was furious and screamed that he was sick and tired of hearing that he abuses me. A mutual acquaintance must have run into him and said something about him breaking my back or something which set him off. He was in a fit of meth psychosis and madder than I’d ever seen him. His hands were clenched and his eyes were full of hatred and rage. I knew he was dangerous so I told him that it's best if I leave. I turned around and walked out his front door and entered the courtyard of his apartment building. Elrick ran up from behind me and pushed me as hard as he could knocking me to the cement floor and shattering my hip. I had never seen him so angry and violent as his BEAST (Frank) was out to destroy me. That’s when I KNEW I’d created a monster. I screamed into the sky as the pain grounded me in the most sobering of fashion. I shall never forget the excruciating pain that I "FELT." The pain clarified my senses as they'd never been clarified before and made me acutely AWARE OF THE MOMENT. It was as if I'd been flying at five hundred miles an hour and came to an abrupt stop! This was that nightmarish future that I was "FEELING" and anxiously trying to avoid by getting our therapists to intervene. Not one of us four could get it together in order to save my life.

          I screamed to Elrick! "Now you did it! You REALLY did it NOW! Now you REALLY did it." He’d hit me so many times but this time I knew it was bad. I screamed for Elrick to call an ambulance then screamed for help at the top of my lungs. I screamed so HARD that I "FELT" the air being hurled from my lungs for the first time in my life! Never was I more SINCERE than I was at that moment because never was I MORE VULNURABLE! I could not move from the hip down as my right leg was paralyzed and became a dead weight that just dragged as I attempted to move it. I screamed in agony and even though I’m accustomed to leaving my body very frequently it was, nevertheless, frightening for me to "FEEL" as disconnected from myself as I did at that moment.

          Elrick came out holding the phone and talking to someone. Thank God it was a phone and not a knife - but it could just as easily have been a knife in which case I probably wouldn’t have survived to have written this and you wouldn’t be reading it now. It’s THAT heavy and it came THAT close to this NOT being. THAT is the definition of "THANKFULNESS." Elrick turned off the phone, told me an ambulance was coming and went inside as I lay screaming in agony.

          Two Fort Lauderdale police officers arrived at the scene first. The came and asked me what happened and I told them that Elrick pushed me, that my hip was very painful and I couldn’t move it. The police officers also questioned Elrick on the street, away from me where he told the police that I "fell" while he was escorting me out of his apartment." In Elrick’s BEAST’S (Frank’s) meth DELUDED world he was escorting me out of his apartment and I did fall. In "reality" he ran up from behind me and pushed me with all of his anger and force. The police came back and told me that I fell, that I was faking it to get attention and that nothing was wrong with me. At that point I was fighting three BEAST’S, Elrick’s and the two police officers who stood above me and degraded the helpless faggot for their BEAST‘S (Frank‘s) own sadistic pleasure - and BECAUSE THEY COULD!

          The ambulance finally came and the E.M.S. guys asked me what happened. I told them that Elrick pushed me and I believed my hip was broken because I couldn’t move it. E.M.S. never made any attempt to place me on a flat surface and made me crawl onto the stretcher. Once I finally pulled myself onto the stretcher the E.M.S. guys strapped me in and loaded me into the ambulance. The ride to the hospital was surreal as my eyes caught the reflection of the car headlights in the roof of the ambulance. They seemed to come from every direction in an almost dizzying spectacle and danced in sync with the siren. By the time we got to the hospital I was quite giddy and I was crying. One of the E.M.S. guys opened the doors and I started laughing while tears rolled down my face. He asked me why I was laughing and I replied "He could have killed me" and he replied - "YEAH!" Below is a copy of the Fort Lauderdale Fire and Rescue Incident Report dated 9/11/2006.

          The next morning, Tuesday, September 12, 2006, I had surgery to drill out the marrow of my right femur (upper leg bone) and insert an eight inch titanium rod. A five inch titanium pin attached the titanium rod to the unbroken part of my hip and a two inch titanium pin attached the rod to my femur. Below are pictures of my X RAY and wounds.




          I left the hospital a week later and began an all out war with my BEAST (Frank). Elrick lied to the police and told them I fell when he knew he pushed me. That betrayal was such a mind fuck for me that it clashed with my desire to be rational or reasonable. FEAR became my constant companion as I, once again, lost control of myself and my GOD (traveling in God’s channel) and succumbed to the ANXIETY, INSECURITY, FEAR, OBSESSION, MORAL, ETHICAL and SPIRITUAL INDIFFERENCE, CRISIS OF CONSCIOUSNESS and DELUSION of my BEAST (Frank). That FEAR driven enslavement and madness MADE me go out and buy a Smith and Wesson nine millimeter handgun because I couldn’t stand let alone walk or run. I lived alone and had no way of knowing for certain whether Elrick would come back and finish me off. I also had no way of knowing if someone was going to break into my home, rob me and kill me. Never in my life had I been more vulnerable as I was living alone, a cripple and incapable of defending myself. The FEAR of my BEAST (Frank) consumed me as I slept every night with my Smith and Wesson two feet from my head. All I had to do was to reach straight back with my arms outstretched and there it was - safety off, fully loaded and waiting! Every little sound I heard I panicked and reached back for it. Below is a pic of my gun.

          Since I "FELT" that my life was in danger and that Elrick would finish me off I filed a restraining order against him. There was a hearing on October 3, 2006 and I arrived before Elrick and sat anxiously on the hard wooden bench. I had my crutches leaning against the wall in case I needed to grab them and hobble away. Yeah right, if he freaks out and gets violent where in the hell am I going to go. At this point I have Carpel Tunnel Syndrome in both hands from using that damn walker and was sitting there a cripple for Christ’s sake. I sat with the most conflicting "FEELINGS" imaginable. On one end I was "FEELING" FEAR, and on the other I was "FEELING" LOVE. I wanted to hug him so much and I wanted to "FEEL" the hugs intense WARMTH, its INNATE SECURITY and its FEARLESSNESS . . . and then the elevator door opened which immediately stopped my "internal dialogue." That little voice inside my head became so silent that I could hear myself breathe. I looked, eyes wide open and panned the elevator car. "No, he’s not on there!", my little voice echoed in my head as it reawakened from its five second, silent siesta. The elevator door closed and resumed its upward climb. A short time later the other elevator door opened and I breathed deep in anticipation. "No, he’s not on here either!," my little voice reminded me again.

          The sixth time the elevator door opened Elrick stood right in front of me. He was dressed in a grey suit and he looked fabulous! Yes he tried to kill me but he, nevertheless, looked fabulous. I wanted to hobble over and get that hug that I was fantasizing about earlier. God he looked good. Just then a man approached me and stated that he was Elrick’s attorney and asked if I was ready to relinquish control of his trust fund to his newly designated Trustee. I said "NO" and just that quick the fantasy was over and I was slapped back into "reality." Once we were inside the court room Elrick plead the fifth and said nothing. His attorney accused me of trying to steal his trust fund money when in "reality" Elrick was trying to kill me so he could spend his trust fund money on meth. The judge did grant the restraining order indefinitely which meant for the rest of our lives. Below is a copy of the injunction.

          I filed a complaint against Elrick with the State of Florida Attorney General.   Several weeks later I received a response back and they refused to prosecute him because there were no witnesses. Here I was crippled, in chronic pain and unsure if I’d ever be able to walk again and the state tells me that there's nothing they can do!

"MY DATE WITH FRANK"

          After I sent my "Message" to those involved in "Donnie Darko" on October 26, 27, 2006, I became very unhappy, very paranoid, then very angry - very angry.   I had "DELUSIONS" of killing Elrick to end the madness - which is exactly WHY Donnie shot Frank!   In "reality" I wanted to kill my BEAST (Frank) as I’d lost control of myself, and of my GOD. My paralysis, pain, ANGER, ANXIETY, INSECURITY, FEAR and DELUSION reached an all time high and I saw absolutely no way out. This DELUSION was all I was "FEELING" in my body therefore it was manifesting in reality by me CONSTANTLY "FEELING" IT! This is when I knew EXACTLY what I'd created with Elrick and it was INSANITY ITSELF. So horrifically so that one night in mid November 2006 I hopped in my car with my crutches and drove around with my nine millimeter Smith and Wesson in the front passengers seat. I’d become so DELUDED by my FEARFUL BEAST (Frank) that I'd lost all reason and all sanity. After destroying Jim’s (Gretchen’s) life I swore I’d never succumb to the DOMINATION and CONTROL of my BEAST (Frank) again. Yet here I was driving around with my gun. The light from the streetlamps reflected off its shiny metal surface and hypnotized me. It lured me to it like the Sirens did to Ulysses in "The Odyssey" as it BEGGED me to pick it up and pull the fucking trigger. I’d gone as insane as I’d ever been and, like Donnie Darko, I’d given in to the temptation of my BEAST (Elrick) (Frank). The serpent that banished us from "The Garden of Eden" was very alive and very well! "Crazy" is what Donnie’s dad called it when he had his heart to heart talk with him outside in the yard. INSANE is a more accurate word!

          I was three blocks from Elrick’s apartment when I had a flashback to "Donnie Darko." The scene is where Donnie is about to shoot Frank in the eye. I realized that I really WANTED to shoot myself as that was the easy way. The tougher way was to keep living but I WANTED to die because of my INSTINCTUAL BLINDNESS, my OBSESSION, my CRISIS OF CONSCIOUSNESS, my DELUSION, my CHAOS and my PROBLEMS! I was as DELUDED as I’d EVER been, or as I was ever GOING to be, and was so DELUDED that I didn’t know WHAT was real. I made the right hand turn onto Fourth Avenue and was one block away from Elrick’s apartment when I had a flashback to Lovebug. It was the day he saved my life as I lay on the floor after having all but given up on life. That wonderful creature showed me a new world of love that I never knew existed yet was right in front of my eyes. Lovebug made me "FEEL" unconditional love when I CHOSE to stop taking my meds and KNOWINGLY die. At first I’d resented Lovebug very much as I was not going to have a four legged animal get between Elrick and me. I refused to allow him to stay in the house so we emptied the storage shed, put in an air conditioner and that’s where he stayed. Elrick was very hurt and angry that Lovebug had to stay in the shed. The electric bill was three hundred dollars a month and I didn’t care. My BEAST (Frank) was not going to let that dog get in my way.

          As I rounded the corner of Elrick’s block the glare of the streetlight on my Smith & Wesson blinded me and I NOW understood WHY Lovebug came into my life. I pulled over to the side of the road, stopped the car, bowed my head to the steering wheel and wept uncontrollably. In those tears was LOVE for Lovebug. That dog saved my life once before and he just did it again. That LOVE made everything clear to me and I saw that I, once again, created HELL! In that clarity I realized just HOW DELUSIONAL I was, how DEEP my CRISIS OF CONSCIOUSNESS ran and how ANXIOUS, INSECURE and AFRAID my OBSESSIVE BEAST (Frank) REALLY was! I'd lost control of my GOD due to my Beast’s (Frank’s) DELUSION, its CRISIS OF CONSCIOUSNESS, its OBSESSION, its ANXIETY, INSECURITY and FEAR and its INSTINCTUAL BLINDNESS, all because I couldn't keep my hands off my dick! I’d literally fucked myself to Hell and Back and back to Hell again but this time it burned so much HOTTER! I realized, just like Donnie did as he sat on the hood of the car, just how HOT, HOT, GOT! Put a gun in the hands of a BEAST (Frank) and you understand the CHAOS and MADNESS of the world! I wrote the book about defeating the BEAST (Frank) and yet I was, once again, almost DESTROYED by IT!

          As I sat with my head on the steering wheel, I realized just how far and how low I’d fallen and how tragic of a "movie" and a "reality" I’d really created. Elrick’s motivation from day one was to "clip" my wings and watch me crash and burn. I realized that the madness that I was about to pull off is what he was "FEELING", CREATING, WANTING, and NEEDING. Elrick and I created this BEASTLY (Frankenstein) "reality" where we got each other to the point of madness. I realized that every time he pushed, I shoved. We pushed, and shoved each other so frequently and so INTENSLEY that we almost pulled it off! I became so OBSESSED with his madness that it became MY madness. Just like Donnie Darko I had to follow my BEAST (Frank) (Elrick) and travel through that HELL and wouldn’t be here unless I traveled through that HELL first. The only reason you’re reading this is BECAUSE I traveled through that HELL and like "Donnie Darko" in the end my GOD won out!

          I wiped the tears and snots from my face and started the car. Now I knew what I needed to do - I needed to complete what Joey (Grandma Death) started in 1989. This journey was seventeen years in the making and I almost died three times but it wasn’t over yet. I NEEDED to take control of my behavior back from my BEAST (Frank) and give it to my GOD (traveling in God’s Channel). This was the ONLY way that I was going to control my "reality," complete my still uncompleted TASK, and manifest me and Joey’s (Grandma Death’s) "MIRACLE."

M A G I C A L C R E A T U R E
F r o m a M a g i c a l C r e a t u r e L a n d.

          I spared Elrick and me my madness because of Lovebugs LOVE but I knew that I needed to get myself into a better, more forgiving and loving headspace and STAY THERE if I was going to save myself from my INSANE BEAST (Frank) and complete my TASK. Lovebug saved us but his role was over. I knew that if I was going to reconnect with Elrick then I would have to make the first move. In that regard I sent him the following e mail.

"Date: Dec 20, 2006 3:00 PM

I don't know why you said I fell when you knew you pushed me but that is where all of our problems began. I believe that you were afraid and that the cops egged you on. It would have been much better if you just said that you lost your temper and pushed me. I would have forgiven you Elrick and none of the shit that followed would have occurred. I took out a restraining order against you because I could not stand let alone walk nor run. When we went to the restraining order hearing on October 4 that sleazebag lawyer of yours accused me of attempting to steal your trust fund. You knew that was a bunch of BS but you did it anyway. I don't know if that was your idea or his but it was a bad one. All it did was to force me to go on the defensive. This was the second time in this situation that other people fucked with our heads. We've got to stop reacting to each other Elrick and settle this mess ourselves.

For the first month I laid in bed unable to get up and stand, walk or run. Because anyone could have broken into the house, robbed and killed me I bought myself a gun for protection. You know I hate guns but slept with one two feet from my head. Every noise I heard I reached for it. That's how insane it got.

During the second month I was supposed to have healed and everything was supposed to be OK. The only problem is that I never healed right. When I found out that I would not heal and would be crippled for the rest of my life I went off the deep end and wanted to turn my gun on myself. About that time I had total liver failure. When I thought it couldn't get any worse it did. The pain meds that I was taking every day made my liver go crazy. I had to get off all my pain meds, all my HIV meds and all aspirins and vitamins and had to go on a special diet. Then my liver got better so now I can take my HIV meds but not my pain meds.

During the past month I've come to terms with never being able to cross my legs, never having full movement in my right leg and hip and never being able to run again. I've now moved past the anger Elrick to a place of love and forgiveness. This entire nightmare has challenged Sunshine Bunny very much but in the end he must win out. I want that to be the case Elrick. I love you very much and always have and always will. I am so happy that I have managed to weather this nightmare and have those loving feelings for you in spite of all the shit. That is a testament to the strength of Sunshine Bunny and the love that we felt. At one time you and I sat in my kitchen and held on to each others pinky fingers. We locked them together and said that we can never lose touch with our child and Sunshine Bunny. This was a symbol of our innocence and our child and we very much lost it through this ordeal. It's time for us to lock our pinky fingers together again and find our innocence by allowing Sunshine Bunny to save us. We fucked it up now we have to admit to all of the shit and fix it and heal ourselves. All I want is a peaceful solution so that we can both move on without emotional scars, baggage and regrets."

          Because of my broken hip I needed help around the house. Since coming out of the hospital following my own 9 -11 the yard had overgrown with weeds and the chores that needed done around the house weren’t getting done. I placed an ad looking for help and was contacted shortly after sending the above e mail by a twenty nine year old man named Davin. He had a two year old female lab shepherd mix dog named "Rooka." I stated in my ad that if the helper had a dog that would be great. This was a far cry from when Elrick showed up with Lovebug and I banished him to the shed. Every night mice came and ate his food. He was twelve years old but inside he was a frightened little soul. I "FELT" so ashamed that I was INSTICTUALLY BLIND to his "FEELINGS" his "FEAR" and his suffering. That Lovebug "enlightened" me is PROOF of his consciousness and his soul. Every dog owner who has ever "FELT" their dog’s unconditional love knows exactly the kind of "enlightenment" I mean.

          I phoned Davin and told him to come down to Florida and help me out. He seemed enthusiastic and wanted to get out of the cold and I needed help so we went for it. I bought him an airline ticket and several days later he and Rooka arrived at the airport. I picked them up and Rooka was in her cage. When we opened it up she ran around in circles and peed on the floor. I fell in love with her immediately and knew that she was going to be a lot of fun. Rooka was so loving and playful and won me over the minute I laid my eyes on her. Below are pictures of my little angel.

          Because of Rooka’s love, I picked up the phone and called Elrick and asked if he wanted to meet at Dairy Queen with Lovebug. I told him I was going to bring Rooka so he could meet her and the dogs could meet each other. Later that day, Elrick returned my call and agreed to meet at Dairy Queen the following Monday. I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best!

          When I showed up at Dairy Queen Elrick and Lovebug were already there. I hadn’t seen Lovegbug in five months and I was shocked when I did see him. He couldn't get up with his hind legs and Elrick had to pick him up. I was very sad and "FELT" guilty for having mistreated him. Rooka loved Lovebug and jumped all over him. Elrick was very cold and distant, he was also high. Rooka did get Elrick to laugh and say "She’s such a puppy." I mentioned to Elrick that I wanted to open an account because he hadn’t had access to his money for four months, since September 2006. I asked him, as his trustee, where he was getting his money. He said from his parents but I know they didn’t have any money to give him. He lied to me straight faced so I knew he was still using meth and was probably escorting to get the money. I couldn't really warm up to him very much knowing that he was STILL lying to me. He said that he wanted me to hand over trusteeship and I reiterated that we needed to open an account but that it would still be in my name. When I said that he tightened his fists, clenched his teeth and got his BEAST (Frank) face on. I immediately freaked. I though "Oh God - he’s back!" After several awkward moments Elrick composed himself and we resumed eating our ice cream. He suggested that we meet the following week at IHOP (International House of Pancakes). I agreed and gave LOVEBUG a hug and headed for my car with Rooka in tow. I don’t believe that Elrick and I hugged because I remember "FEELING" afraid.

          The Following week we met at IHOP. Elrick was already seated and I sat down and we hugged. There was a decidedly friendlier air this time and I was more relaxed than when I met him at Dairy Queen. The waitress came over and we ordered our food. I told Elrick that I fired the attorney who advised me to sue him in court and wished to settle out of court. My deal was that I would keep several of his items that were in my possession in exchange for him paying my medical bills and for pain and suffering. Elrick agreed so he pulled out a pad of paper and began writing down the condition of our out of court settlement. I agreed not to sue him over my injuries and he agreed to forfeit his property to me. Everything seemed fine until I mentioned that a condition of our settlement is that I open an account for his trust fund and remain the trustee. His meth addiction nearly cost me my life so I was not going to give control of his trust fund back to him until I was sure that he was no longer using. When I said that he started to get pissed but restrained himself. His BEAST (Frank) came out for just a fraction of a moment before he sent him, nostrils flaring, back down where IT belonged. We finished eating and left the restaurant. I went to my car and grabbed a bag of Lovebug’s toys that I’d brought to give to Elrick. I took them to his van and he invited me into the front seat. It seemed so weird. I’d sat in that seat every week for years but it had been almost six months since I sat in it. Once inside he gave me a round ornamental mirror and said it was a token of our reconciliation. We agreed to meet the following week, hugged each other and departed our separate ways. It "FELT" really good to be doing the right thing and forgiving Elrick, all thanks to Rooka.

          The following week on January 31, 2007, Elrick and I met at IHOP again but this time he was a mess. He was screaming that he didn’t want me opening up an account and that he wanted me to give up control of the trust. I grabbed the knife from the table and held it in my lap. "My God," I thought, "he IS still using!" He was screaming that he wanted me to make his brother the Trustee and not me. I "FELT" like I’d lost ground as I clenched the knife in my hand and stared at the table. As I stared at the table I had a flashback to one of those countless times where Elrick lost it, screamed at me and frightened me. Every time he did that I closed up and went into my "own little world." That is the ABUSE headspace and is how Elrick was able to dominate and control me for three years. What began as an "experiment" where I became his "victim" manifested as "reality" in the most horrible of ways. Documenting Elrick’s emerging BEAST (Frank) became an unbelievable nightmare that almost cost me my life. Now I felt that same vulnerability as patrons walked by the table and as I clenched that knife like I’d done so many times before. Would I use it this time and had I fucked up by agreeing to meet with Elrick? My family and friends told me not to meet with him but I ignored them. I had to meet with Elrick because we had unfinished business and I needed resolution and closure. This was far too much of a nightmare to NOT have closure. Elrick stormed away from the table and ran out the door leaving me by myself. I exhaled, opened my eyes, turned my head to see if he was gone and placed the knife back on the table. The waitress came over and asked if everything was O.K. She was talking about the food and the service but I was thinking about what just happened. I said yes, but meant NO! I picked myself up and walked out the door. I definitely NEEDED to go home and hug Rooka.

          On March 1, 2007 I went to see a Trust Fund attorney who was recommended by a friend. I explained the situation to him and he said; "Fuck Him - if he wants to kill himself let him!" I paid this guy literally $500 an hour for him to tell me those exact and very wise words. I was trying to keep Elrick FROM killing himself but I also knew at this point that I had to forfeit trusteeship of his trust. I knew that if I did he would probably spend most of the money on meth and probably would kill himself - or someone else! I also knew that If I didn't he probably WOULD kill me! I needed to get to the point where I was able and willing to let go and give up. Elrick's meth addiction destroyed our lives, ravaged our souls, crippled me and almost cost me my life and here I was giving into the defeat. I had my attorney type a letter forfeiting my trusteeship and when he was through I left his office and went home and hugged Rooka. She always made everything "FEEL" so much better. Later in the day, after recharging my aura with Rooka’s unconditional LOVE, I sent the following e mail to Elrick.

"Date: Mar 1, 2007 6:04 PM

Hi Elrick - you will be receiving contact from an attorney that I have hired to take care of the trust. He will ask you to appoint a new trustee and forward that information to him. I am doing so in hopes of alleviating the anger, frustration and mistrust that you have shown me in trying to resolve this in a "sane and peacful manner." The last time that we met at IHOP I grabbed the knife on the table when you stormed out the first time. I held it in my lap when you came back. I do not yet feel safe around you and it's best that we have an attorney handle this so that it is taken care of properly. I think it's best we not meet until you have appointed a new trustee. Maybe then you will be more at peace and we can proceed in a "sane and peaceful manner.

Please know that this has been an absolute nightmare - HELL itself - but it has given me a much needed perspective on myself and the happy, joyous "Sunshine Bunny" world that I've lived in for all of my life. Give Lovebug a squeeze and remember that Rooka sends love bug kisses. I wish you could "FEEL" the innocent heat that radiates from her body. I told the judge at the December 22, 2006 hearing that I loved you very much. In spite of the harm you've brought to me and the nightmare that we created, I forgive and love you. Rooka was instrumental in achieving that success. Please help me to make it a TRUE success."

CLICK
MY EYES BELOW
TO CONTINUE THE JOURNEY